The confusion, distress, and chaos of narcissistic abuse take a serious toll on the mind, body, and spirit.
You may feel exhausted, doubt yourself, walk on eggshells, or question your own reality.
You can get the support you need and deserve.
Why Assertive Communication, Nonviolent Communication Strategies, and Traditional Boundary Setting Skills Don't Work in Narcissistic Relationships (And Sometimes Make it Worse)
In healthy, mutually respectful relationships, open communication leads to compassionate understanding, repair, and growth.
In narcissistic relationships, that is often not the case.
Due to the unempathic and transactional nature of individuals with narcissistic relational patterns, there is frequently an intentional dismissal or disregard of your needs, feelings, and boundaries. Communication becomes a tool for control rather than connection.
When you express your limits, you may be met with:
Gaslighting
Blame-shifting
Silent treatment
Rage
Mockery
Retaliation
Playing victim
Feigned surprise or confusion
An immediate shift to centering their hurt feelings
Because of this, traditional communication and boundary-setting strategies — which are effective in healthy relationships — can sometimes escalate harm in narcissistic dynamics.
While there are many styles and presentations of narcissistic abuse, the core tactics used tend to follow a remarkably predictable pattern.
Once we become aware of these dynamics — and understand the function behind the behaviors — something powerful shifts.
We stop trying to use tools designed for healthy relationships. We stop blaming ourselves when they don’t work. And we begin navigating the relationship in ways that protect our peace, health, and safety.
How family and couples therapy can sometimes unintentionally retraumatize or harm a survivor of narcissistic abuse
When the therapist, the therapeutic structure, or the family dynamics are not trauma‑informed or abuse‑aware, they may come from a stance that both parties are contributing to the problem.
When a therapist treats the situation as a normal conflict (“both sides need to communicate better”), it invalidates the victim’s experiences and reinforces the abuser’s narrative. This can lead to retraumatization, because the survivor is once again not believed or protected—recreating what happened in the abusive environment.
Many with narcissistic personality styles can be highly persuasive, charismatic, and skilled at managing the perception of others, including in the therapy setting. Additionally, the victim may present in therapy as authentically frazzled and understandably upset, leading the therapist to collude with the abuser unwittingly.
Family or couples therapy can retraumatize victims of narcissistic abuse because it sometimes:
- Invalidates the power imbalance that is inherent in abusive situations
- Enables manipulation
- Misapplies “mutual responsibility” frameworks that are meant for mutually respectful relationships
- Reinforces the roles and narratives of the abusive family system
- Creates an unspoken alliance between the therapist and the client, who is presenting in therapy as calmer and "less reactive," which is often the abuser
For survivors of narcissistic abuse, safer therapeutic options include:
- Individual trauma-informed therapy (with someone trained in narcissistic abuse recovery)
- Psychoeducation on abuse patterns and trauma responses
- Support groups with others who’ve experienced similar dynamics
You don't have to navigate this alone.
Having an experienced guide can be immensely grounding as you move toward peace, clarity, self-trust, and healing.
I am currently pursuing certification as a Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician through a clinical training program led by narcissistic abuse expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula. I would be honored to support you on your healing journey.
Narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone and can occur in many different areas of life, including:
Parents, siblings, or extended family systems
Friendships and friend groups
Romantic relationships
The workplace
Academic environments
Athletic or sports environments
Churches and other spiritual or community organizations
Narcissistic relational patterns exist on a spectrum.
On one end are behaviors rooted in emotional immaturity, self-centeredness, and chronic thoughtlessness. On the other end are more malignant, exploitative, intentionally harmful, and even sadistic behaviors.
Each narcissistic relationship has its own flavor, patterns, and intensity.
Regardless of where the behaviors fall on the spectrum, the relational dynamics are harmful and can deeply impact your mental, emotional, and physical health.
"The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do."
-Seth Godin
It can get better
Whether you can leave the relationship or not, you can gain insight, clarity, and strategies that help you:
Understand the dynamics driving the cycle
Reduce self-blame and confusion
Strengthen internal clarity and self-trust
Protect your peace
Preserve your mental and physical health
Begin healing from the effects of chronic relational trauma
You deserve support that is informed, compassionate, and grounded in an understanding of narcissistic dynamics.
I would be delighted to work with you.