Experiencing the confusion, distress, and chaos of narcissistic abuse takes a serious toll on the mind, body, and spirit.
You can get the support you need and deserve.
Whether it is a new relationship or a rekindled connection from the past, narcissistic relationships often begin positively —with kind words and gestures that make us feel valued, cared for, and respected.
Over time, things start to feel "off." Sometimes we can't put a finger on it. As we hustle and work harder for less and less acceptance, respect, or love, the demands and entitlement on their part only increase.
We sense that we are being increasingly devalued, but pleading, reasoning, working harder, or even simply abiding don't help—and often only exacerbate the antagonism.
For some, who have a narcissistic family member or other person who is closely tied to their life, these patterns of feeling targeted, isolated, and devalued may have been endured since childhood.
Often, especially if they are the only target, the rest of the family or community is baffled as to why the target of the abuse is having such a problem, and will label it as a 'two to tango' issue that has to be worked out between the two- not as a longstanding abusive relationship that will not be solved by strategies that work in healthy relationships such as compromise, family counseling or mediation.
Why Assertive Communication, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Strategies, and Traditional Boundary Setting Skills Don't Work in Narcissistic Relationships (And Sometimes Make it Worse)
The traditional communication and boundary-setting skills often suggested and taught by mental health professionals don't work in these situations because the narcissist lacks empathy and sees the relationship as transactional.
Due to this, they're usually purposely ignoring your boundaries, needs, and feelings so that they can extract from you whatever they are looking to extract —whether it be time, attention, validation, money, your energy, emotional labor/support, family caregiving, domestic labor, or social, educational, or professional support or currency.
While there are many styles and types of narcissistic abuse, the core playbook of tactics used by narcissistic abusers is remarkably similar and predictable.
Once we become aware of the dynamics and functions of the tactics being used, we can begin to understand ourselves and our relationship in a different light.
We stop trying to utilize communication skills that only work in healthy relationships and instead start navigating these relationships in ways that protect our peace, health, and lives.
"The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do."
-Seth Godin
Having an experienced guide can be immensely useful as you navigate towards a path of peace, freedom, self-kindness, and healing.
I'm currently pursuing certification as a Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician through a clinical program led by narcissistic abuse treatment expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and I'd be delighted to support you on your healing journey.
Narcissistic abuse can happen to anybody, and in any area of one's life.
Some of the following roles or settings encompass some of the more common situations in which narcissistic abuse may occur:
-Parents, siblings, or larger parts of family systems
-Friendships and sometimes friend groups
-Romantic relationships
-The workplace
-Academic environments
-Athletic or sports environments
-Churches and other spiritual and community organizations
Some common signs of narcissistic behavior include the following:
Relationship Becomes Transactional
- The relationship begins with a sense of caring and relational intimacy. Over time, it evolves into a dynamic where they extract what they want from you (time, attention, validation, support, domestic or family caregiving labor, help with their education or career, social currency, money, entertainment, etc).
- When you raise concerns about a dynamic that feels inconsiderate, imbalanced, transactional, or uncaring, they may become angry, play the victim, or claim to be confused.
Experts at Revisionist History and Alternate Reality
You’re made to question your memory, perceptions, or sanity.
Altering the factual truth of events, reality, and history helps them twist the narrative to serve their agenda and keep the upper hand
Common phrases that are said or insinuated: “That never happened,” “You’re too sensitive," or “I don't remember.”
Emotional Manipulation
Narcissists use guilt, fear, or the victim's sense of obligation to control their victim and extract supply.
Research shows that the inherent personality traits and subtraits of victims of narcissistic abuse tend to include being loyal, kind, willing to give the benefit of the doubt, willing to give second chances, etc, which sets the victim up to stay longer in the abusive cycle
At some point, the victim may, in exasperation, lose their composure or act in ways not typical of their usual behavior. The narcissist will jump on this opportunity to play the victim and demand amends and/or further supply, and will often share their 'victimhood' with others who are tied into the narcissist's narrative.
Triangulation With Others
- Instead of communicating directly with their victim when issues or concerns arise (or usually more like when they are upset that the victim is setting boundaries or is refusing to cater to the narcissist), narcissists will vent to others, which is called 'triangulation''
- A note here- triangulation is significantly different from a victim of abuse seeking critically needed support from a trusted friend in confidence.
- Triangulation serves many purposes for the narcissist, including: maintaining control of their victim, creating jealousy and competition, avoiding direct communication and accountability, and causing alienation of the victim who doesn't know what's being said to others and is unable to defend themself.
Flying Monkeys Further Perpetuate the Abuse
- Those in the narcissist's circle who validate and support the narcissist's behavior and believe the false narratives are called 'flying monkeys' in narcissistic abuse recovery circles. Flying monkeys are susceptible and play into this dynamic for various reasons.
- They may not have been targeted in the same way by the narcissist, so do not have the same experience of the narcissist as the victim does, they may also be a narcissist who believes that the behavior is okay and maybe even part of the narcissistic system benefiting from the victim's supply, they may have a higher tolerance themselves for narcissistic abuse, they may believe that 'forgiveness is best,' not understanding that this is an abusive person that they are supporting, or some combination of these factors.
- Flying monkeys will sometimes approach the victim to confront them about the false narrative or to guilt them into re-engaging with the narcissist if the victim has ended or stepped back from the abusive relationship. At other times, the flying monkeys will socially shun the victims based on the lies that the narcissist has told about the victim.
Perpetually Victimizing While Remaining In a Constant State of Victim Mode
- Narcissists are experts at exploiting the labor and resources of others to get what they want, purposely ignoring their victims' boundaries, feelings, and needs.
- By employing a plethora of sophisticated tactics to position themselves as the victim, they then create relationships in which they receive their transactional supply while also playing the role of their supplier's victim.
- They will then play out their victim narrative to their victim or to others tied into their narrative, guilting the victim, isolating the victim from others, and sometimes hurting their victim's reputation.
Relational Beginning Followed by Devaluation
The relationship often starts out with affection and attention.
Once you’re emotionally invested, they at some point begin to criticize, withdraw, or show contempt.
They will sometimes offer intermittent moments or periods of time that feel more like the relational beginning, to keep the victim engaged in the relationship, a technique known as "bread crumbing."
Perpetually Feeling Entitled to Emotional Comfort
- In avoiding emotional discomfort or pain, narcissists miss many essential opportunities for personal and interpersonal growth.
- This keeps them further entrenched in narcissistic patterns and emotionally immature behavior.
Lack of Empathy
Your emotional, physical, financial, and other needs are minimized or ignored.
They’re dismissive when you're hurt and show little interest in your feelings, though they expect complete and ongoing empathy for their needs
Angered by the Boundaries of Others
- Others' boundaries often anger narcissists, as it means they are not being catered to in the manner in which they feel entitled.
- Ironically, narcissist may accuse their victims of being 'rigid' for having boundaries around their time or the amount of labor, resources, attention, or validation that they can offer the narcissist.
- Narcissists often view boundaries set by others as rejection, criticism, disrespect, or a power struggle. They expect compliance with their requests or demands, and the victim's insubordination to their entitlement of supply may trigger narcissistic rage.
A Deep Concern With Outward Appearances
- Narcissists are usually highly concerned with outward and public appearances
- This is one reason why they can not stand to be exposed for their exploitative ways or disrespectful behavior
- The victim may be supplying high amounts of labor and support but be minimally included or even excluded from the narcissist's public-facing life and big events, unless the victim's inclusion helps the narcissist's persona
Chronic Criticism
Narcissists are highly critical and will search high and low for things to criticize, sometimes even distorting facts to create things to criticize
They will then share their criticisms directly with their victim, with third parties, or with both.
This helps them take their victims down a peg or two in the eyes of others, as well as helps the narcissist feel superior or in the 'up' position
Blame Shifting
- Blame-shifting serves the narcissist's core fear: being exposed as flawed or inferior.
- They don't believe they should have to tolerate the discomfort of accountability, so they distort reality to maintain control and superiority.
Controlling Behavior
Narcissists want to control decisions, relationships, finances, or time.
They may isolate you from friends or family to maintain power.
Competitive and Jealous
- Narcissists are highly competitive and feel the need to be in the 'up' position at all times.
- They can be jealous of others when things go right in their lives (e.g., saying things like "must be nice" when they hear of another person taking a vacation)
- They can be dismissive of or diminish the successes or accomplishments of others
Hoovering
After an unceremonious discard, blowing up the relationship, or taking distance, due to their perceived supply from their victim running out, or due to them finding new sources of supply, the narcissist may try to later pull the victim back in with charm, guilt, fake apologies, or by simply acting as if it didn't happen.
The victim's relief of the narcissist no longer 'being mad' at them, and the victim's hope that things can now return to how it was during the 'good times,' can keep the victim in the cycle and emotionally hooked.
The Victim Feeling That Something is "Off"
At some point in the relationship, it is common to feel that something is "off " in the relationship, or that the narcissist is unhappy or even angry, but not be able to put your finger on it.
It's common for the victim to feel that they are being increasingly devalued, yet to be at a loss as to how to change it. This often leads to the victim either overthinking what they might have wrongly said or done, or hustling harder and doing more for the narcissist in an effort to keep peace in the relationship, which further satisfies the narcissist's supply agenda.
The narcissist will usually deny that there is a problem if asked.
Projection
They accuse you of behaviors they’re actually engaging in (e.g., lying, cheating, being selfish, entitled, or insensitive, being rigid with schedules and planning, etc).
Idealize–Devalue–Discard Cycle
A common narcissistic abuse pattern: they idolize you, then slowly tear you down, and finally discard you when you're no longer “useful.”
Longer Relationships are Based on Supply or Social, Familial, or Professional Currency
- Narcissists may stay in some relationships that provide an adequate supply of resources, emotional leverage, or social, professional, or familial currency on a longer-term basis. It serves them in a way that makes the longer-standing relationship effort worth it to them.
Lack of Accountability
They rarely apologize sincerely or take responsibility.
Apologies, if given, are often manipulative, deflective, or feel disengenuous.
They often make themselves the victim when being held accountable, saying things like, "I'm not perfect, and I'm sorry that you feel that way," or "This breaks my heart that this is happening" instead of being curious and asking quesions to understand how they have hurt the other person and how to show up in a more caring and respectful way in the relationship.
Feeling Entitled to Your Time, Labor, and Resources
- Whether it's your time, emotional support, and energy, domestic labor, family caregiving, money, professional help, social currency, or something else, narcissists feel entitled to your resources.
- They become angry when you set boundaries around sharing your resources, as it indicates that you are not catering to their comfort and lifestyle.
Disregard for Your Time
- They disregard your time by showing up late, canceling or changing plans at the last minute, or making you wait for hours.
- Plans revolve around their schedule, while you're expected to be flexible and accommodating.
- Or they may be very punctual, but feel entitled to spending countless hours receiving support from their victim about their problems, and then quickly become disinterested in conversations when the victim tries to share about their own life or receive support from the narcissist.
Monopolizing Conversations
- Topics usually return to them, and they show very little interest in the victim during conversations. Narcissists often lose interest quickly when the victim tries to share about the details of their own life, get support around a topic not related to the narcissist, or explore a topic that is not directly serving the narcissist's ego or entertainment in some way
Smear Campaigns When the Relationship Ends
- At the end of a relationship, narcissists will often run smear campaigns, which is when they spread lies, half-truths, or damaging information about their victim — usually to destroy their victim's reputation, gain sympathy, and regain control after the relationship ends.
- Narcissists cannot handle rejection or being seen as the "bad guy." So if the victim leaves, they spin a story where the victim is the villain and they're the victim. This protects their fragile ego from shame.
- Narcissists live in a distorted world where they are always the hero or victim — never the abuser. Smear campaigns reinforce this false self to others and to themselves.